if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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