I seem to have left my pride at pride
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Why is there bacon in the couch?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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