im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
