I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
