It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
