I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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