Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
