At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
