well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You can't special order awesome
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
