I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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