I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
