I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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