I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
