before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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