I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
