I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
