If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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