So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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