OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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