The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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