Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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