So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
