Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
