The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
