i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
