my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
