So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
