Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
