the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
