I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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