Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
