found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
