i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
