My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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