how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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