i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
where are my eyebrows?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
