even my farts smell like vagina
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
