Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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