so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
