no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
