I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
