I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
