last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
