i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I supernannyed him into submission
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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