It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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