I wish I could punch you in the face.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
