Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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