I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
