My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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