I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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