You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
A+ Viking dick
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
